The worry I feel for my children seems at times insurmountable. It weighs heavy in me...burying itself deep into my core. It gnaws at my gut and at times, overwhelms me with emotion. It started when my oldest was still growing in my womb. When at 6 weeks into my first pregnancy, like many women, I spotted. I was terrified. Beyond terrified, really. More like inconsolable. And after the ultrasound and the reassurance that the baby was alive and thriving, I still convinced myself I was going to screw this up--that some way I would not carry this baby to term. And I said to myself that if that were to happen, I would lay down on the ground and never get back up. I fretted and distressed and not until 20 weeks did I feel any sense of relief at all. That was when we had another ultrasound and I saw moving, working parts. He wiggled his hands and flexed his feet back and forth. I cried. He worked. So far, nothing was broken. I was high with excitement, but it was short lived. I walked around in a mental bubble. Protecting my unborn child with my life if I had to. The momma bear in me was already fiercely protective of her cub.
I delivered a healthy, happy baby boy. And after adjusting to breastfeeding and diaper changing, was starting to feel secure. Then 9-11 happened. My son was 4 weeks old and I was feeding him as I watched the newscast of the first tower on fire. My first thought was a pilot had a heart attack and it was a tragic accident. But then while still holding him in my arms, the second plane hit. And we knew we were under attack. I remember looking at him and just sobbing, apologizing to him for bringing him into the world when it was like this. Terrified about an uncertain future for him. And I just said to him over and over "I'm so sorry."
Time passed. The world adjusted. My boy grew. But he had challenges. At first, small, but then developing into larger and more pressing issues. It took 9 years to get a complete diagnosis. Asperger's with Sensory Integration Disorder. The years have seen so many ups and downs. So many battles--losses and victories. A special needs child comes with a unique playbook of worries.
Now I find myself with a middleschooler who is bullied and taunted. We have seen teachers who care tremendously for him and others who cringed when he walked in the door. We have sat through countless meetings and testings and "feel good" BS meetings. All the while, I worry, fret, pace the floor, wring my hands, cry myself to sleep. Most days, all I can do to get through is cross my fingers and pray that he has a good day. Please, God, don't let the teachers give up on him. Please let them see the good in him. Please don't let his peers wear him down or take the love out of him. And please, I beg, please don't let him give up on himself.
Six years ago, a sister came along. And my world was fought with worry for her, as well. Girls come with their own special set of stomach churning concerns. In first grade she already finds herself inadequate. She thinks other girls are pretty and she "looks weird" because of her freckles and red hair. I tell her every day how beautiful she is. Not a day passes where she is not told "I love you" by both her father and myself. She is daring and headstrong and honestly, not afraid of much. We brag about her and laugh with her and take notice of all of her creations. And yet, she says she has a "fat tummy" and cries when she makes a simple mistake. At six years of age, she is already placing the weight of the world on her shoulders. And it scares the living daylights out of me.
It is in the moments when I cannot make my kids feel better that I feel like a complete failure to them. I don't know how to love them more than I already do. My heart aches and begs and longs for them to feel the depth of my commitment to them. For them to be able to crawl back into my arms and stay safe from the world. Of course, my rational side knows that sheltering them from that same world is not in their best interest. I won't live forever and to make them think that I will be is the cruelest thing of all. But that momma bear in me...she's fierce. And she wants her cubs safe.
My mind wanders with the "what ifs" What if they believe all of the crap people tell them? What if they have low self esteem and hate themselves? What if they hate everyone else so much that they loose the positivity and shut us all out? What if they run with the wrong crowds and make the wrong choices. What if they make really stupid mistakes that get them kicked out of school or worse thrown into jail? What if they hate their parents and the world so much they take off or hurt themselves? What if, what if, what if.
What if I decided not to worry my life away? What if I decided to trust in my children and trust in myself? What if I am, after all, a good mom and exactly what these babies of mine need?
If there is a Worrier's Anonymous, I could probably be the President. But at the same time, I only want the best for my children-like every other mother in the world. Isn't that our job? To advocate for our babies and to equip them for survival. If they are not feeling secure and confident, who really failed them?
It's a journey and there are many mountains yet to climb. But I am trying. Honestly trying and with every step I mean nothing but the best.
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random thoughts. Show all posts
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
My wish
With a thoughtful look, The Girls says to me, "When I grow up, I want to be a pig." When I asked her why she only said, "I like pigs!" Like I was ridiculous for even asking.
I did not have the heart to explain to her that is not how life works. That through a series of compromises and regrets we rarely end up in the job we set out to do. And that adults usually settle, content, but still not living the life they pictured as a child. I could not tell her that because I still want my kids to feel the magic. I want my kids to still believe that catching fireflies and freezing them can make good money. That one day they could grow up and fly a plane or walk on the ceiling or beat up the bad guys with laser guns. I want them to believe there is some magical tiny lady who actually wants to pay high dollar for their tiny baby teeth. I adore the fact they light up when they find a penny and imagine the outrageously priced toy they can now get with it. I don't want them to loose that childhood innocence just yet. If we can just hold on a little bit longer...because once it is gone, you can never quite get it back.
So, if my daughter wants to be a pig when she grows up, that is all right by me.
Heck, she can be the next Queen of Sheba if she wants.
Just so long as she always dares to dream and believe in the magic of childhood...
I did not have the heart to explain to her that is not how life works. That through a series of compromises and regrets we rarely end up in the job we set out to do. And that adults usually settle, content, but still not living the life they pictured as a child. I could not tell her that because I still want my kids to feel the magic. I want my kids to still believe that catching fireflies and freezing them can make good money. That one day they could grow up and fly a plane or walk on the ceiling or beat up the bad guys with laser guns. I want them to believe there is some magical tiny lady who actually wants to pay high dollar for their tiny baby teeth. I adore the fact they light up when they find a penny and imagine the outrageously priced toy they can now get with it. I don't want them to loose that childhood innocence just yet. If we can just hold on a little bit longer...because once it is gone, you can never quite get it back.
So, if my daughter wants to be a pig when she grows up, that is all right by me.
Heck, she can be the next Queen of Sheba if she wants.
Just so long as she always dares to dream and believe in the magic of childhood...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Breastfeeding is hard
*Warning* This is not for the faint at heart.
Fine, don't say I didn't warn you.
Breastfeeding is hard. I know it seems like the most natural thing--what our bodies are made to do. You make milk, you stick a baby on there, how complicated can it be? Unless you have done it , you have no idea. It sucks! Your breasts--they have a mind of their own, ok? They swell up; they ache; they get rock hard (and I mean rock hard); they have veins popping out of them like they turned into the Incredible Hulk; they freaking L.E.A.K. when you least expect it, they can shoot milk across the room even though your sweet baby is sitting in your lap, mouth agape in front of you (and more than once, milk shot right into my baby's eyes). Did I mention your nipples stretch out like an inch or more thanks to the sucking action of the baby and/or your freakish breast pump. And lest us not forget, they itch like a word that rhymes with witch.
Breastfeeding is hard.
Even if your baby takes to feeding like a champ, it is hard. But those whose babies do not have a great latch (like my first) or prefer the bottle (like my second) have extra challenges.
Breastfeeding requires nerves of steel.
I have a friend who is working night and day to breastfeed her child as I type. I have another friend who breastfed her baby until he was 3. I have yet anther friend who thought nothing of wiping her nipply out anytime, any place, without shield to feed her baby. I was never that strong.
I did have my breast pump--a double pump to speed up the process. Boy, that was interesting. And a bit painful. And freaky to see since everything was in clear plastic. But nothing I could not live with knowing about myself.
Eventually, my babies weaned. My breast pads were tossed in the trash. My pump--sold on ebay to the highest bidder. It was just a memory. But today I had a run in with a woman who reminded me how hard breastfeeding can be.
I ate Mexican for lunch. A refried bean taco salad to be exact. And by the time I was at preschool to pick up The Girl, it hit me. I took off for the potty like nobody's business. Now, our preschool has a really nice potty. It is big, it is clean and it has--get this--a couch! Right there in the bathroom! No kidding. It also has a really nice, curtained off area for nursing moms--complete with rocking chairs. That bathroom is nicer than the break room at most companies. It is set up for quiet, peaceful, reflection. And here I came.
So, I burst in and run to the potty and realize that there is a woman who has set up her breast pump and is ready to pump. But I cannot wait--I have to go. So, I do what any human being would do and I go. From my stall I can hear the pump turning on. My mind takes me back to those days. The pump is not comfortable, but is a tool. When it is on, it literally pulls your nipple and sucks out the milk out of your body. And it feels about like it sounds. The storage bags even come with a slot to hold your baby's picture so that you can "let down" your milk easier without your baby with you. I never had to use it. I always pumped at home. But here is this Mom--no baby--at work, pumping. And here I am, in the stall close by, making horrible noises and smells. (Remember, not for the faint at heart here.) I tried to hold it in people. I really did. I even thought about apologizing from the stall, but could not figure out how to say that and make us both not feel more uncomfortable than we already did. I knew she was trying to relax and get into that zone--the milk zone. And me and my poop had interfered. The farts did not help. *sigh*
Needless to say, I cleaned up asap and left as fast as I had entered, all the while silently apologizing for the scent stamp I had left behind.
Like I said, breastfeeding is hard--really hard. You have to do all sort of things you never in your life imagined you would do, like have a machine clamped to you left breast in a public restroom while strangers were relieving themselves. But you do it. Cause that is what being a parent is all about.
Fine, don't say I didn't warn you.
Breastfeeding is hard. I know it seems like the most natural thing--what our bodies are made to do. You make milk, you stick a baby on there, how complicated can it be? Unless you have done it , you have no idea. It sucks! Your breasts--they have a mind of their own, ok? They swell up; they ache; they get rock hard (and I mean rock hard); they have veins popping out of them like they turned into the Incredible Hulk; they freaking L.E.A.K. when you least expect it, they can shoot milk across the room even though your sweet baby is sitting in your lap, mouth agape in front of you (and more than once, milk shot right into my baby's eyes). Did I mention your nipples stretch out like an inch or more thanks to the sucking action of the baby and/or your freakish breast pump. And lest us not forget, they itch like a word that rhymes with witch.
Breastfeeding is hard.
Even if your baby takes to feeding like a champ, it is hard. But those whose babies do not have a great latch (like my first) or prefer the bottle (like my second) have extra challenges.
Breastfeeding requires nerves of steel.
I have a friend who is working night and day to breastfeed her child as I type. I have another friend who breastfed her baby until he was 3. I have yet anther friend who thought nothing of wiping her nipply out anytime, any place, without shield to feed her baby. I was never that strong.
I did have my breast pump--a double pump to speed up the process. Boy, that was interesting. And a bit painful. And freaky to see since everything was in clear plastic. But nothing I could not live with knowing about myself.
Eventually, my babies weaned. My breast pads were tossed in the trash. My pump--sold on ebay to the highest bidder. It was just a memory. But today I had a run in with a woman who reminded me how hard breastfeeding can be.
I ate Mexican for lunch. A refried bean taco salad to be exact. And by the time I was at preschool to pick up The Girl, it hit me. I took off for the potty like nobody's business. Now, our preschool has a really nice potty. It is big, it is clean and it has--get this--a couch! Right there in the bathroom! No kidding. It also has a really nice, curtained off area for nursing moms--complete with rocking chairs. That bathroom is nicer than the break room at most companies. It is set up for quiet, peaceful, reflection. And here I came.
So, I burst in and run to the potty and realize that there is a woman who has set up her breast pump and is ready to pump. But I cannot wait--I have to go. So, I do what any human being would do and I go. From my stall I can hear the pump turning on. My mind takes me back to those days. The pump is not comfortable, but is a tool. When it is on, it literally pulls your nipple and sucks out the milk out of your body. And it feels about like it sounds. The storage bags even come with a slot to hold your baby's picture so that you can "let down" your milk easier without your baby with you. I never had to use it. I always pumped at home. But here is this Mom--no baby--at work, pumping. And here I am, in the stall close by, making horrible noises and smells. (Remember, not for the faint at heart here.) I tried to hold it in people. I really did. I even thought about apologizing from the stall, but could not figure out how to say that and make us both not feel more uncomfortable than we already did. I knew she was trying to relax and get into that zone--the milk zone. And me and my poop had interfered. The farts did not help. *sigh*
Needless to say, I cleaned up asap and left as fast as I had entered, all the while silently apologizing for the scent stamp I had left behind.
Like I said, breastfeeding is hard--really hard. You have to do all sort of things you never in your life imagined you would do, like have a machine clamped to you left breast in a public restroom while strangers were relieving themselves. But you do it. Cause that is what being a parent is all about.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
We interrupt this program
To bring you funny animal pictures I have recently taken.
The Hiding Cow. AKA Incownitio
Does this make me look fat? Cause I feel like it makes me look fat.
One of these things is not like the other. One of these things just does not belong.
Oh, Hi.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Beauty is in the Details
I have decided to participate in the Beautiful Life by The Inspired Room. She has been talking about finding beauty in the details and when I was thinking about what I would post, I immediately realized, I had the perfect example. Let me explain.
This is my house.
This is my house.
I don't have a large house in a really fancy suburb. It is a 1974 split level cookie cutter house that we are slowly modernizing. But still, it is nothing about it that is going to command your attention and make you say "Look at that house!" My yard is full of crab grass and mud. My driveway is cracked. My roof is missing shingles. I forgot to put out mulch last year and I have weeds in my garden. But I promise you, the house is full of details.
I love the way the sun hits it in the afternoon.
I love that my kids can ride their bikes on the road.
I love the trees that surround the house--old and rugged.
I love the flowers that we plant in the spring and bloom all summer long.
And the way the snow decorates my garden in the winter.
Even if the windows are old and in need of a wash, they are lovely when I see the people that live in my house.
And that is how I try to live a beautiful life.
Monday, March 2, 2009
'ho and Tell
This is what The Girl calls show and tell. Funny, I know...
We have been a whole bunch of sick around here for about a week. So, not much to report. Last time I was sickly, I took a 7 month sabbatical from blogging. I promise not to do that this time. :) I think...
We have been a whole bunch of sick around here for about a week. So, not much to report. Last time I was sickly, I took a 7 month sabbatical from blogging. I promise not to do that this time. :) I think...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Do you have a song
That make you happy every single time you hear it?
For some reason, this song does that for me. And I do not even particularly like country music.
For some reason, this song does that for me. And I do not even particularly like country music.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Black is slimming
I think I should drive a black minivan so I look thinner as I am riding around town.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
A sample of our week
We needed lots of this....
For this fella here....
All week we had this...
And no school to match...
It worked out ok though... Note the weather forecast on tv.
After a looong week, we had basketball.
And a Winter Festival to attend (ironic that it was warm enough to wear shorts)
Yes, this week we had lots of sneakiness...
And a fair dose of mischief
But a whole bunch of sweet.
For this fella here....
All week we had this...
And no school to match...
It worked out ok though... Note the weather forecast on tv.
After a looong week, we had basketball.
And a Winter Festival to attend (ironic that it was warm enough to wear shorts)
Yes, this week we had lots of sneakiness...
And a fair dose of mischief
But a whole bunch of sweet.Saturday, January 24, 2009
10 Little Songs
Music right from my iPod that I currently love to listen to and would recommend to my friends:
"Chasing Pavements" by Adele
"American Boy" by Estelle and featuring Kanye West
"Cocoon" by Jack Johnson
"It Had Better Be Tonight" by Michael Buble
"Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel
"Its My Life" by No Doubt
"Up to the Roof" by Blue Man Group featuring Tracey Bonham
"Shoot the Moon" by Norah Jones
"That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
"When in Rome" by Nickel Creek
"Chasing Pavements" by Adele
"American Boy" by Estelle and featuring Kanye West
"Cocoon" by Jack Johnson
"It Had Better Be Tonight" by Michael Buble
"Scenes from an Italian Restaurant" by Billy Joel
"Its My Life" by No Doubt
"Up to the Roof" by Blue Man Group featuring Tracey Bonham
"Shoot the Moon" by Norah Jones
"That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
"When in Rome" by Nickel Creek
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Mommy Guilt
Anymore, I get Mommy Guilt on a regular basis. This morning I am making the Boy's lunch and in a rush, I did not cut his cheese sandwich in half. I just ripped it. Not only was I in a hurry, but I also am thinking that it would be good to not dirty another knife. Brilliant, right? And as I am packing this ripped mismatched sandwich, I picture the lunchroom table. All the other kids with their perfectly symmetrical sandwich halves watching my Boy take his scraggly, hobo looking bread out of the baggie and saying, "Dude, doesn't your mom love you enough to take out a knife and cut your bread?" Mommy guilt strikes again.
I always feel like I am not spending enough time with my kids. I beat myself up daily on the state of the house, the lack of creativity on our dinners, the fact my kids watch more than the 2 hours of tv per day (spitting in the face of the Academy of Pediatrics) and that they do not brush their teeth twice a day. They do, however, brush once a day.
I don't know why I have such little faith in myself as a mother and wife, but I do know that most mothers feel the same way. Perhaps it is the responsibility for these two lives that at times seems so overwhelming you can barely breathe. Or is it because you have such a deep, unquestionable love for these souls that you just don't want to screw it up.
I partially blame Oprah. I grew up watching her show...blaming parents for the faults of their adult children. I have to admit, one of my fears is getting that phone call in 20 years.
Snot nosed producer: Yes, your son and daughter claim that your lack of proper parenting has effected their ability to lead productive lives. We would like you to come on the show to talk about it openly.
Me: What?
Snot nosed producer: Well, your children are coming on to talk about what a horrible mother you were and how they cannot function in normal society as a result. We can pay for your hotel if you come. The hotel has a free breakfast and we will be happy to pick you up in our company limo!
Me: What?
Snot nosed producer: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I do need a decision. Do you want to defend yourself on Oprah or not?
Me: Does this have to do with the fact I did not cut their sandwiches with a knife?
*click* *dial tone*
I always feel like I am not spending enough time with my kids. I beat myself up daily on the state of the house, the lack of creativity on our dinners, the fact my kids watch more than the 2 hours of tv per day (spitting in the face of the Academy of Pediatrics) and that they do not brush their teeth twice a day. They do, however, brush once a day.
I don't know why I have such little faith in myself as a mother and wife, but I do know that most mothers feel the same way. Perhaps it is the responsibility for these two lives that at times seems so overwhelming you can barely breathe. Or is it because you have such a deep, unquestionable love for these souls that you just don't want to screw it up.
I partially blame Oprah. I grew up watching her show...blaming parents for the faults of their adult children. I have to admit, one of my fears is getting that phone call in 20 years.
Snot nosed producer: Yes, your son and daughter claim that your lack of proper parenting has effected their ability to lead productive lives. We would like you to come on the show to talk about it openly.
Me: What?
Snot nosed producer: Well, your children are coming on to talk about what a horrible mother you were and how they cannot function in normal society as a result. We can pay for your hotel if you come. The hotel has a free breakfast and we will be happy to pick you up in our company limo!
Me: What?
Snot nosed producer: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I do need a decision. Do you want to defend yourself on Oprah or not?
Me: Does this have to do with the fact I did not cut their sandwiches with a knife?
*click* *dial tone*
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Sweet Land of Liberty
"What do I think of my country? What is there, which elevates my shoulders and stirs my blood when I hear the words, the United States of America: Do I praise my country enough? Do I laud my fellow citizens enough? What is there about my country that makes me hang my head and avert my eyes when I hear the words, the United States of America, and what am I doing about it? Am I relating my disappointment to my leaders and to my fellow citizens, or am I like someone not involved, sitting high and looking low? As Americans, we should not be afraid to respond." --Maya Angelou
My country tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died!
Land of the Pilgrim's pride!
From every mountain side,
Let freedom ring!
My native country, thee,
Land of the noble free,
Thy name I love.
I love thy rocks and rills,
Thy woods and templed hills;
My heart with rapture fills
Like that above.
Let music swell the breeze,
Let music swell the breeze,
And ring from all the trees
Sweet freedom's song.
Let mortal tongues awake;
Let all that breathe partake;
Let rocks their silence break,
The sound prolong.
Our father's God to, Thee,
Author of liberty,
To Thee we sing.
Long may our land be bright
With freedom's holy light;
Protect us by Thy might,
Great God, our King!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
I feel pretty...oh, so pretty
The Girl has given me a pedicure during my recuperation. I apologize for the picture quality, but I did get off my death couch to post this for you....
I've been sick
I got sick shortly after my last post and have been sick ever since. I am still sick--inner ear infection caused by a mycoplasm bug that I cannot shake. This thing has had me sick off and on for almost a year. I am sick of being sick.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Resolution Check!
It was a 7 months ago that 2008 came charging in and in my usual fashion, I fancied myself up some resolutions. Time to make myself accountable and check in on my progress. As I plagiarize myself, here they are:
#1. I resolve to go green. Not jealous....not Incredible Hulk....not Jolly Green Giant....and not rich. I want to learn more about toxin free living and try to adopt it into my lifestyle as much as possible. I am proud to say, I have made several steps for improvement in this area. I am now recycling. I am appalled by the amount of trash it saves me....probably 2-3 bags per week of recyclable goods were just going straight to the dump. I also tested out various kinds of dishwashing and laundry detergents. Laundry has been ok so far, but as far as dishwashing goes--after testing 4 different kinds of very expensive, very environmentally friendly detergents, I have decided plain ole Cascade is the only thing that really stands up to my dishes. Now, it is not on the earth friendly list, but washing the same load 3 times is not good for the water supply. SO it is the lesser of two evils. Resolution complete? check! but still a work in progress.
#2. I resolve to learn more about advocacy and Special Ed rights. The boy has been speech delayed and sensory seeking since he was one. Now that he is in First Grade the word Asperger's is floating about. We are still waiting for an official diagnosis from a developmental pediatrician. But in the meantime, I want to advocate for my son in the face of a unsympathetic (indeed PATHETIC) school and staff. I have read a few additional books....bookmarked a few additional sights....and gone to a few extra doctors. We are really not too better off than before.
# 3 I resolve to go on two family vacations. I also made this promise last year and went on three. *wink* Well, you know I have Wandering Wednesdays--which is a mini vacation each week. In addition, we went to Chattanooga in the spring and will go to Disney World in August. Resolution complete? check!
# 4. I resolve to grow a herb garden. Check! It is out there, but I have no idea how to dry them for future use...still working on that one.
# 5. I resolve to go to an allergist sometime this year and start immunotherapy shots again. No......not even started....
#6. I resolve to pursue our own avenues for therapy and related services. Check! We have a private OT now.
4 out of 6 is not bad at all! Much better than my previous track records. Have you kept your resolutions this year?
#1. I resolve to go green. Not jealous....not Incredible Hulk....not Jolly Green Giant....and not rich. I want to learn more about toxin free living and try to adopt it into my lifestyle as much as possible. I am proud to say, I have made several steps for improvement in this area. I am now recycling. I am appalled by the amount of trash it saves me....probably 2-3 bags per week of recyclable goods were just going straight to the dump. I also tested out various kinds of dishwashing and laundry detergents. Laundry has been ok so far, but as far as dishwashing goes--after testing 4 different kinds of very expensive, very environmentally friendly detergents, I have decided plain ole Cascade is the only thing that really stands up to my dishes. Now, it is not on the earth friendly list, but washing the same load 3 times is not good for the water supply. SO it is the lesser of two evils. Resolution complete? check! but still a work in progress.
#2. I resolve to learn more about advocacy and Special Ed rights. The boy has been speech delayed and sensory seeking since he was one. Now that he is in First Grade the word Asperger's is floating about. We are still waiting for an official diagnosis from a developmental pediatrician. But in the meantime, I want to advocate for my son in the face of a unsympathetic (indeed PATHETIC) school and staff. I have read a few additional books....bookmarked a few additional sights....and gone to a few extra doctors. We are really not too better off than before.
# 3 I resolve to go on two family vacations. I also made this promise last year and went on three. *wink* Well, you know I have Wandering Wednesdays--which is a mini vacation each week. In addition, we went to Chattanooga in the spring and will go to Disney World in August. Resolution complete? check!
# 4. I resolve to grow a herb garden. Check! It is out there, but I have no idea how to dry them for future use...still working on that one.
# 5. I resolve to go to an allergist sometime this year and start immunotherapy shots again. No......not even started....
#6. I resolve to pursue our own avenues for therapy and related services. Check! We have a private OT now.
4 out of 6 is not bad at all! Much better than my previous track records. Have you kept your resolutions this year?
Friday, June 27, 2008
Little Known Facts About Me--2nd of a miniseries
I cry...
.............A lot.
Everything from small, insignificant drops to huge ugly, face sobs. Anything can make me cry....a bad day, a good day, a tv commercial, a movie, my kids, my anger, my happiness. I once cried cause I saw a duck with a missing foot. I once cried at the song "Rocky Top." Ok, I was pregnant and overly emotional, but still. It does not take much to make me cry. And it feels good too. Especially those gut wrenching, from the soul wails. And those I know well. The kind that your knees buckle, your eyes clamp shut, your voice no longer sounds human. While I am usually in that mode in my deepest, darkest moments, to have that raw emotion come out of me is terribly cathartic.
.............A lot.
Everything from small, insignificant drops to huge ugly, face sobs. Anything can make me cry....a bad day, a good day, a tv commercial, a movie, my kids, my anger, my happiness. I once cried cause I saw a duck with a missing foot. I once cried at the song "Rocky Top." Ok, I was pregnant and overly emotional, but still. It does not take much to make me cry. And it feels good too. Especially those gut wrenching, from the soul wails. And those I know well. The kind that your knees buckle, your eyes clamp shut, your voice no longer sounds human. While I am usually in that mode in my deepest, darkest moments, to have that raw emotion come out of me is terribly cathartic.
Monday, June 23, 2008
Little Known Facts About Me--A mini series
I love interior design. So much so that at one point in my life, I was interviewed and accepted into the design program at ETSU. However, it was a odd time in my life--I had just finished my BA in English and was trying to decide if I wanted to pursue Interior Decorating or go for a Master's in Education. My safe side won out and I opted to go for the Master's degree. However, I have never given up on my passion for design and want to share with you, dear reader, a few of my favorites sites for inspiration!
The Nesting Place I was turned onto her blog via the BabyCenter Bargain Hunters Board. She has a grace and style about her that I admire and when I cruise into a craft section, finding treasures, I ask myself, "How would the Nester use this?"
Craftster My favorite part about decorating is creating. Sure, I love to buy things right off the shelves, but I also love to have one of a kind designs that I know no one can duplicate. This site gives me plenty of ideas.
Pottery Barn I cannot afford Pottery Barn. But I do love to look at the catalog. Let me rephrase that--I study the catalog. I love the color and texture combinations. I love that they mix old with new. I love that anything goes. And for that reason, I strive for the Pottery Barn look, without the Pottery Barn price.
HGTV Not only do I love the site, I love the channel. Some of my favorite shows are on this channel. I love watching the work of other designers, learning their tricks and methods. You get a great sense of what is in style from this channel and can also learn how to do it yourself.
Bargain Hunters This is a bulletin board I have followed for years. Now, it is not all about decorating, but about bargains. And sense do it yourself projects are a bargain (most of the time) the ladies post a lot about cheap ways to do home decor.
Better Homes and Gardens BHG is my favorite magazine and I so look forward to that day each month when it comes in the mail. I could just eat up every page!
The Nesting Place I was turned onto her blog via the BabyCenter Bargain Hunters Board. She has a grace and style about her that I admire and when I cruise into a craft section, finding treasures, I ask myself, "How would the Nester use this?"
Craftster My favorite part about decorating is creating. Sure, I love to buy things right off the shelves, but I also love to have one of a kind designs that I know no one can duplicate. This site gives me plenty of ideas.
Pottery Barn I cannot afford Pottery Barn. But I do love to look at the catalog. Let me rephrase that--I study the catalog. I love the color and texture combinations. I love that they mix old with new. I love that anything goes. And for that reason, I strive for the Pottery Barn look, without the Pottery Barn price.
HGTV Not only do I love the site, I love the channel. Some of my favorite shows are on this channel. I love watching the work of other designers, learning their tricks and methods. You get a great sense of what is in style from this channel and can also learn how to do it yourself.
Bargain Hunters This is a bulletin board I have followed for years. Now, it is not all about decorating, but about bargains. And sense do it yourself projects are a bargain (most of the time) the ladies post a lot about cheap ways to do home decor.
Better Homes and Gardens BHG is my favorite magazine and I so look forward to that day each month when it comes in the mail. I could just eat up every page!
Friday, May 9, 2008
Guilty Pleasures
- Owning a blog.....
- Reading online news headlines more than twice a day
- American Idol
- Going to Disney World for the past two years and going again this year
- Watching TV in bed before going to sleep
- Ice cream with Hershey's syrup
- Justin Timberlake music....ok, Timbaland music, too
- Reading the LOST blogs for spoilers daily
- Duran Duran concerts
- Driving 4 hours for IKEA
- Taking long showers until the hot water runs out
- Loosing hours on the internet without realizing it
- Emailing instead of calling
- Eating out at least once a week
- Covering my strawberries with sugar
- Covering my fries with ketchup
- Covering my vegetables with salt
Monday, March 10, 2008
10 Things on My Mind
1) Upcoming Spring Break Trip--I want a vacation! I want to hit the road and have some fun! I want to make sure we eat at the highest rated restaurants and hit the museums at just the right time so that we make the most of it. Long gone are the trips where we just go and explore without an agenda or game plan. Desperate must plan. Desperate must know what to do when just so she can semi enjoy the trip.
2) Making schedules for work--I am in the middle of 3rd quarter work schedules for other supervisors. When I first volunteered for this honor, I only organized the schedule of three people--myself included. Now, I must get 13 people to get along and pretend to be happy. I simply cannot please everyone and gave up trying a long time ago.
3) My filthy house--MUST SPRING CLEAN! I have been the Night of the Living Dead around here. Why in the hell is it so hard for me to stay on top of it all? I have no idea. I have no idea why there is juice splashed across the hallway walls. I have no clue how that bread crust got in the couch. Oh--there is mold growing in the back of the fridge? At least it is contained in tupperware.
4)Meat--Desperate is a vegetarian. But 1/2 of my family is not. I am worried about their consumption of hormones, steroids, preservatives, dyes and antibiotics through something that is supposed to be healthy for them. Google is my friend. MUST FIND HEALTHY FOOD FOR MY FAMILY!
5)My Neighbors--My neighbor is Cousin Eddie from National Lampoons Vacation. Desperate has decided that fictional characters sometimes do come to life and move next door to her. In the past Cousin Eddie has raised free roaming chickens, brought home 9 dogs--4 in and 5 out and not cleaned up the poop, let his grass grow to about calf height before cutting it with his 20 year old lawn mower while dressed in his wife beater and puffing his cig, and let us not forget--placed his green sectional sofa on his back porch as a bed for his 5 outside dogs who promptly ripped it to tiny shreads. But now--now he is really freaking me out. Cousin Eddie has taken to starring out his window--brazenly watching everything we do. He has a lot of time on his hands. Did I mention he was fired from McDonald's for stealing food? Yeah--he fed it to his dogs.
6)The Boy and Ms. Drama--Our struggles at school continue to some degree. The Boy has been doing better in terms of his behavior, but all of those reports and studies we have been waiting for over the past few months are starting to come in. Last week we had one that studied his focus and behavior. Ms. Drama said some very scathing things about me and our home life--unsubstantiated and very biased opinions and they made it into an official report! Just disgusting!
7) Lost--Desperate is totally intrigued by Lost this season. They are really mixing it up and making it so clever. Last couple of seasons were good, but man--this one leaves me salivating for more episodes! Why is Desmond so important to this entire story? Why was Jack addicted to pain pills? He seemed fine when he first got off the island. Why does Kate have Aaron? Do the people who stay behind die? Who the heck was in the coffin? I am guessing Michael. What is Smokey and what the hell is up with Jacob anyway?
8)My mail--I need to go get my mail. I'll be right back. Ok that is better. I actually got a rug inside my mailbox. I mean, I ordered a rug--just a small one for my front door, but I never expected to find it inside my mailbox.
9)Sleep--I miss that hour...Sure, I like having an hour at night to hang out in daylight, but I really love that hour in the am too! I could move to AZ....
10)Silence--Desperate is desperate for quiet. Time to just be in the moment and notice the little things we miss everyday. Like the sound of my breath or the different chirps of birds outside. I would like to pay more attention to my children's laughs rather than their fusses. I want to be able to pay attention to life as it is happening right now and accept it as it is right now.
2) Making schedules for work--I am in the middle of 3rd quarter work schedules for other supervisors. When I first volunteered for this honor, I only organized the schedule of three people--myself included. Now, I must get 13 people to get along and pretend to be happy. I simply cannot please everyone and gave up trying a long time ago.
3) My filthy house--MUST SPRING CLEAN! I have been the Night of the Living Dead around here. Why in the hell is it so hard for me to stay on top of it all? I have no idea. I have no idea why there is juice splashed across the hallway walls. I have no clue how that bread crust got in the couch. Oh--there is mold growing in the back of the fridge? At least it is contained in tupperware.
4)Meat--Desperate is a vegetarian. But 1/2 of my family is not. I am worried about their consumption of hormones, steroids, preservatives, dyes and antibiotics through something that is supposed to be healthy for them. Google is my friend. MUST FIND HEALTHY FOOD FOR MY FAMILY!
5)My Neighbors--My neighbor is Cousin Eddie from National Lampoons Vacation. Desperate has decided that fictional characters sometimes do come to life and move next door to her. In the past Cousin Eddie has raised free roaming chickens, brought home 9 dogs--4 in and 5 out and not cleaned up the poop, let his grass grow to about calf height before cutting it with his 20 year old lawn mower while dressed in his wife beater and puffing his cig, and let us not forget--placed his green sectional sofa on his back porch as a bed for his 5 outside dogs who promptly ripped it to tiny shreads. But now--now he is really freaking me out. Cousin Eddie has taken to starring out his window--brazenly watching everything we do. He has a lot of time on his hands. Did I mention he was fired from McDonald's for stealing food? Yeah--he fed it to his dogs.
6)The Boy and Ms. Drama--Our struggles at school continue to some degree. The Boy has been doing better in terms of his behavior, but all of those reports and studies we have been waiting for over the past few months are starting to come in. Last week we had one that studied his focus and behavior. Ms. Drama said some very scathing things about me and our home life--unsubstantiated and very biased opinions and they made it into an official report! Just disgusting!
7) Lost--Desperate is totally intrigued by Lost this season. They are really mixing it up and making it so clever. Last couple of seasons were good, but man--this one leaves me salivating for more episodes! Why is Desmond so important to this entire story? Why was Jack addicted to pain pills? He seemed fine when he first got off the island. Why does Kate have Aaron? Do the people who stay behind die? Who the heck was in the coffin? I am guessing Michael. What is Smokey and what the hell is up with Jacob anyway?
8)My mail--I need to go get my mail. I'll be right back. Ok that is better. I actually got a rug inside my mailbox. I mean, I ordered a rug--just a small one for my front door, but I never expected to find it inside my mailbox.
9)Sleep--I miss that hour...Sure, I like having an hour at night to hang out in daylight, but I really love that hour in the am too! I could move to AZ....
10)Silence--Desperate is desperate for quiet. Time to just be in the moment and notice the little things we miss everyday. Like the sound of my breath or the different chirps of birds outside. I would like to pay more attention to my children's laughs rather than their fusses. I want to be able to pay attention to life as it is happening right now and accept it as it is right now.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Things I love
A tribute to love on Valentine's Day
my husband
my kids--snot and all
cheese
movies--even sucky ones
I think I love my netti pot--but I am still not sure
crafts
finding a really good sale
pay day
vacations
car rides--long ones that require napping
eating out
napping on the beach
waking up on the beach
Disney World--it really is the happiest place on earth--really!
chocolate chip ice cream
the smell of industrial glue
my body pillow
long showers
salsa
cilantro
blue
green
John Taylor
collecting sea shells
planning my kids birthday parties
Yoda
baby feet
kittens
Pottery Barn
shorts
yoga
when a new magazine comes in the mail
picnics
painting the wall a new color
Coca-Cola
Dr. Pepper
Cherry Dr. Pepper from Sonic
our wedding picture
shade
rocks
sleepy medicine
store credit
catching fireflys
getting my point across
As I write this, Wow Wow Wubzy is singing, "Love, love, love.....love is all around..."
Happy Love Day :)
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