Trivial Knowledge

The Boy: Did you know if you fly into the assmussfear that you will get fire hot?

Me: What if you have a space ship?

The Boy: I dunno. Maybe it will get fire hot, but you will be safe inside.

Me: That makes sense.

The Boy: Did you know that Carnage and Venom wear the same outfit but they are different colors and that they both hate really loud noises. And that can only mean one thing. It means that Venom is Carnage's son!

Me: No, I did not know that.

The Boy: And if they hear a really, really loud noise, their clothes fall off?

Me: Their clothes fall off?

The Boy: Yeah!

Me: They are naked?

The Boy: No! They have on underwear.

Me: What kind of underwear do they wear? Think they have Spider Man undies? Like you!

The Boy: Mom! They are mortal enemies. They just have bad guy underwear. (duh)

Pictures The Girl Took

It is always interesting to see how a child views the world...







Photography courtesy of The Girl....

What is up with this chick?

So I take The Girl to a local Kindermusik class. We have been going for over a year and a half. She loves it! I mean loves it! And I enjoy it too--I must confess. It is fun to sit with all the other moms--gushing over our kids and confessing our imperfections. What? You had to feed your child a cereal bar on the way here too? Oh I love Crocs too--so easy to slide on and off. Yeah, exercising is not my cup of tea either. But there is this one chick. The Super Mom. ugh. Her son has been in our class since day one and even back in the day she made me feel inferior. Her hair--always done. Her make up--impeccable. Her shoes--usually boots. She always has on jewelry and nice, well fitted clothing. She always looks fantastic. I hate her. But in that "I would still be your friend" kind of way. But now, she has just gone way over board.

So she got herself knocked up. I thought surely this is it--we will see her give. She has a 4 year old that she goes to an early class with and then her 2 year old after. Surely she cannot juggle all of that and show up looking like a friggin super model to boot.

I waited 9 long months. That chick never missed one class. She never showed up in sweats or without makeup. And she never failed to have on some pair of fashionable shoes.

I watched her stomach get bigger and bigger and she went on with life like nothing at all was different. Did I mention I hate her? When I was preggers, I looked like death warmed over. I could barely move much less get myself dressed to that standard.

Last week I saw her wince when she was getting up.... I thought WOW! One small sign that maybe it was becoming hard to handle.....but that was it...just one little moment.

And then this week, we come to class. Her belly is gone. I will be damned if that chick did not go into labor right after Kindermusik last week, have her baby, and still show up to class this week. That wince I saw? She was in LABOR! And still there singing and dancing with her boy. I am a failure.

And so, she shows up with her 4 year old, 2 year old and 1 week old...not missing a beat. And yes, she was in heels.

An investment you can sink your teeth into

The Boy lost his second tooth this week. I meant to blog about the loss of his first tooth which was by far a much bigger deal for him. First tooth, he came home all triumphant that he had gotten the tooth out with minimal bleeding and no pain. He had a certificate from Ms. Drama. He got a treasure box to keep his tooth in as a keepsake. And the tooth fairy left him $5.00 for that very important first tooth. However, she let him keep it since he had that ultra cool orange treasure box for it.

This time....he forgot to tell me that he lost it. He also forgot to bring it home. And the tooth fairy forgot to come....so she snuck in while he was at school the next day. Turns out, the second tooth snags a solid $1.00 bill. Not a bad draw for a 6 year old. In my day she only handed out a quarter. Of course, I never charmed her with pictures like:


That Fairy is putty in his hands...

How Low Can You Go?

Our shower head busted last week....After a week of taking showers in the kids bath, stepping on bath toys and running down the hallway in nothing but a towel, guess where we were this weekend? Yes, a proverbial family outing to Lowe's to buy a new shower head. We looked at all of them, reading the boxes, talking about the styles, deciding which was plastic and which was metal. After the children were getting in trouble for climbing on the stacks of stock and chasing each other up and down the aisle, I took them on a circle around the store. I got back, expecting Techno Geek to be done with his decision, but no....still thinking about it. After about 20 minutes, we finally made a decision. I plopped down $68.00 on a brand new rain head. This is our fourth--we love them. This one was very similar to our first which is forever etched in our minds as the ultimate in shower heads. Alas, it was left behind when we moved from our condo 4 years ago and showers have never quiet been the same. So, you can imagine how much I looked forward to a bath in the morning!

Techno Geek was the first to try it out. He said it was "ok." Kind of in a Randy "Dawg" kind of way. (Shout out to my American Idol homies!) He warned me that it did not have too much in way of pressure, but that is all right--I don't mind a gentle rain fall. Then he tells me that it takes so long to build up the pressure that it still runs for about 2 minutes after you turn it off. Okay....this should be interesting.

So, this morning is my time. Anxiously, I hop in and turn it on....it is much bigger out of the box. In my small shower stall, it looms over me like a giant silver sunflower. Or maybe a huge cyclops eye. Either way, it is intimidating. And even worse--it is a shiney hiney silver and acts like a overhead mirror. I can see every intimate detail of my showering experience. But, I tread on--convinced it will feel like my showers of old.

Techno Geek was right, it does take a while to build up pressure--only getting half of the head to work. But eventually, it does come up to full speed. And full speed is a bit like having a elf over your head pouring a cup of water on you. No pressure is probably a better description. I like to beat the dirt off of me...this felt like it was being asked kindly to leave.

Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld with the low flow shower head that Jerry got?

Yeah, that's me today. Looks like this bad boy is going back to Lowe's!

A conversation between father and son

The Boy: (from inside the bathroom stall) Dad?
Techo Geek: Yes?
The Boy: What does B-O-O-T-Y mean?
Techo Geek: Just finish your business.

I was *this* close

Man, I was depressingly close to getting rid of Cousin Eddie next door. After cornering me on my way into my house (I try to avoid all eye contact, but he chases me down sometimes) he started talking about how he was fired last weekend and may end up getting in trouble with his house payments. After further talk (all of which I would have been too ashamed to tell my neighbors), he says he was fired from McDonald's in December and they had gotten into foreclosure on ONE of their house loans. Apparently after living there two years, not only do they carry a huge mortgage, but also two extra loans. WOW. *blank stare* What do I say? I just said "awwwwwwwwww"

Then he asks me if I cut my hair. Why, yes, I did. He noticed yesterday when I was mowing the yard. I knew I was being watched. He likes it. It looks good. I am starting to feel uncomfortable now, thank you. I make a comment to break the tension about how I like to cut it short in the summer and let it grow in the winter to which he replies that he likes to do the same thing...he has a mullet...

I wish I had the gutso to tell him all the stuffing from his green sectional couch was littering my back yard. Yes--he has a couch outside. I wish I could tell him to keep his 9 dogs quiet or to pooper scoop his yard cause the feces run off is actually making me move my child's playset for her safety.

But I use work as my excuse and manage to break out of the conversation just in time for Oswald to start on TV. Go Weanie!