Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Trivial Knowledge

The Boy: Did you know if you fly into the assmussfear that you will get fire hot?

Me: What if you have a space ship?

The Boy: I dunno. Maybe it will get fire hot, but you will be safe inside.

Me: That makes sense.

The Boy: Did you know that Carnage and Venom wear the same outfit but they are different colors and that they both hate really loud noises. And that can only mean one thing. It means that Venom is Carnage's son!

Me: No, I did not know that.

The Boy: And if they hear a really, really loud noise, their clothes fall off?

Me: Their clothes fall off?

The Boy: Yeah!

Me: They are naked?

The Boy: No! They have on underwear.

Me: What kind of underwear do they wear? Think they have Spider Man undies? Like you!

The Boy: Mom! They are mortal enemies. They just have bad guy underwear. (duh)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Pictures The Girl Took

It is always interesting to see how a child views the world...

Photography courtesy of The Girl....

Friday, April 18, 2008

What is up with this chick?

So I take The Girl to a local Kindermusik class. We have been going for over a year and a half. She loves it! I mean loves it! And I enjoy it too--I must confess. It is fun to sit with all the other moms--gushing over our kids and confessing our imperfections. What? You had to feed your child a cereal bar on the way here too? Oh I love Crocs too--so easy to slide on and off. Yeah, exercising is not my cup of tea either. But there is this one chick. The Super Mom. ugh. Her son has been in our class since day one and even back in the day she made me feel inferior. Her hair--always done. Her make up--impeccable. Her shoes--usually boots. She always has on jewelry and nice, well fitted clothing. She always looks fantastic. I hate her. But in that "I would still be your friend" kind of way. But now, she has just gone way over board.

So she got herself knocked up. I thought surely this is it--we will see her give. She has a 4 year old that she goes to an early class with and then her 2 year old after. Surely she cannot juggle all of that and show up looking like a friggin super model to boot.

I waited 9 long months. That chick never missed one class. She never showed up in sweats or without makeup. And she never failed to have on some pair of fashionable shoes.

I watched her stomach get bigger and bigger and she went on with life like nothing at all was different. Did I mention I hate her? When I was preggers, I looked like death warmed over. I could barely move much less get myself dressed to that standard.

Last week I saw her wince when she was getting up.... I thought WOW! One small sign that maybe it was becoming hard to handle.....but that was it...just one little moment.

And then this week, we come to class. Her belly is gone. I will be damned if that chick did not go into labor right after Kindermusik last week, have her baby, and still show up to class this week. That wince I saw? She was in LABOR! And still there singing and dancing with her boy. I am a failure.

And so, she shows up with her 4 year old, 2 year old and 1 week old...not missing a beat. And yes, she was in heels.

An investment you can sink your teeth into

The Boy lost his second tooth this week. I meant to blog about the loss of his first tooth which was by far a much bigger deal for him. First tooth, he came home all triumphant that he had gotten the tooth out with minimal bleeding and no pain. He had a certificate from Ms. Drama. He got a treasure box to keep his tooth in as a keepsake. And the tooth fairy left him $5.00 for that very important first tooth. However, she let him keep it since he had that ultra cool orange treasure box for it.

This time....he forgot to tell me that he lost it. He also forgot to bring it home. And the tooth fairy forgot to come....so she snuck in while he was at school the next day. Turns out, the second tooth snags a solid $1.00 bill. Not a bad draw for a 6 year old. In my day she only handed out a quarter. Of course, I never charmed her with pictures like:

That Fairy is putty in his hands...

Monday, April 14, 2008

How Low Can You Go?

Our shower head busted last week....After a week of taking showers in the kids bath, stepping on bath toys and running down the hallway in nothing but a towel, guess where we were this weekend? Yes, a proverbial family outing to Lowe's to buy a new shower head. We looked at all of them, reading the boxes, talking about the styles, deciding which was plastic and which was metal. After the children were getting in trouble for climbing on the stacks of stock and chasing each other up and down the aisle, I took them on a circle around the store. I got back, expecting Techno Geek to be done with his decision, but no....still thinking about it. After about 20 minutes, we finally made a decision. I plopped down $68.00 on a brand new rain head. This is our fourth--we love them. This one was very similar to our first which is forever etched in our minds as the ultimate in shower heads. Alas, it was left behind when we moved from our condo 4 years ago and showers have never quiet been the same. So, you can imagine how much I looked forward to a bath in the morning!

Techno Geek was the first to try it out. He said it was "ok." Kind of in a Randy "Dawg" kind of way. (Shout out to my American Idol homies!) He warned me that it did not have too much in way of pressure, but that is all right--I don't mind a gentle rain fall. Then he tells me that it takes so long to build up the pressure that it still runs for about 2 minutes after you turn it off. Okay....this should be interesting.

So, this morning is my time. Anxiously, I hop in and turn it on....it is much bigger out of the box. In my small shower stall, it looms over me like a giant silver sunflower. Or maybe a huge cyclops eye. Either way, it is intimidating. And even worse--it is a shiney hiney silver and acts like a overhead mirror. I can see every intimate detail of my showering experience. But, I tread on--convinced it will feel like my showers of old.

Techno Geek was right, it does take a while to build up pressure--only getting half of the head to work. But eventually, it does come up to full speed. And full speed is a bit like having a elf over your head pouring a cup of water on you. No pressure is probably a better description. I like to beat the dirt off of me...this felt like it was being asked kindly to leave.

Have you ever seen that episode of Seinfeld with the low flow shower head that Jerry got?

Yeah, that's me today. Looks like this bad boy is going back to Lowe's!

A conversation between father and son

The Boy: (from inside the bathroom stall) Dad?
Techo Geek: Yes?
The Boy: What does B-O-O-T-Y mean?
Techo Geek: Just finish your business.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

I was *this* close

Man, I was depressingly close to getting rid of Cousin Eddie next door. After cornering me on my way into my house (I try to avoid all eye contact, but he chases me down sometimes) he started talking about how he was fired last weekend and may end up getting in trouble with his house payments. After further talk (all of which I would have been too ashamed to tell my neighbors), he says he was fired from McDonald's in December and they had gotten into foreclosure on ONE of their house loans. Apparently after living there two years, not only do they carry a huge mortgage, but also two extra loans. WOW. *blank stare* What do I say? I just said "awwwwwwwwww"

Then he asks me if I cut my hair. Why, yes, I did. He noticed yesterday when I was mowing the yard. I knew I was being watched. He likes it. It looks good. I am starting to feel uncomfortable now, thank you. I make a comment to break the tension about how I like to cut it short in the summer and let it grow in the winter to which he replies that he likes to do the same thing...he has a mullet...

I wish I had the gutso to tell him all the stuffing from his green sectional couch was littering my back yard. Yes--he has a couch outside. I wish I could tell him to keep his 9 dogs quiet or to pooper scoop his yard cause the feces run off is actually making me move my child's playset for her safety.

But I use work as my excuse and manage to break out of the conversation just in time for Oswald to start on TV. Go Weanie!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

While I'm at it

Bears, Beets, BattleStar Galactica


That's better

The Streak is over

Again. The boy just came home....four rules broken today. Of course, the big "A" reared it's ugly head today. Which big "A" is yet to be determined. We have heard both Asperger's and ADHD, so who knows. I love sending him off to school and knowing he will come home with a sticker and a smile on his face. I love spending my night enjoying my child's time and feeling like maybe I am getting it right. But alas, tonight will be a night of towing the line. I was joking last night that if The Boy were an Indian his name would have to be "He Who Does Not Take No For An Answer." From my understanding, he did not do all of his work and therefore, broke four rules. *sigh*

On another note, one of our credit cards was sabotaged last week. For thieves, they are kind of boring. They only did 1500 in damage. They bought some sporting stuff and made a mortgage payment. BORING. They should have at least tried for a flat screen tv.

Sometime today I have to vacuum playdough out of my window screen. Don't ask. If The Girl were an Indian her name would have to be "She Who Tests Patience."

Techno Geek recently travelled to the land of the Native American--Arizona. This was a real testament to my patience. Every day children would cry and The Girl would wail "My Daddy. I need my Daddy" as she was falling asleep. On the day he was coming back, we talked about Daddy coming home on a plane. This got her attention. Later that day, we had this conversation:

The Girl: It's a comet!
Me: No, that is a cloud from a plane.
The Girl: A plane go in the sky!?!
Me: Yes!
The Girl: I go on plane too.
Me: Would you like to fly in a plane?
The Girl: You fly too. And Daddy and Wyatt and me all fly. And my blue blankie and my cat and Ms. Innifer (Ms. Jennifer)and all my friends.
Me: Your friends?
The Girl: All my friends from kider class (Kindermusik)
Me: Oh ok. That is a big trip.
The Girl: Yeah....we all go in plane.....

She exhausts me. I have no idea how she knew what a comet was. Last night we had t-ball practice. The Girl cannot wait to be on a team, but we are 2 years too early for her. She was all decked out in her team shirt, hat and glove. She ran out on the field and ran bases with The Boy. Then the coach gathered up his team and told her to get off the field. Big fat alligator tears...turned down lip quivering...she only felt better when Techno Geek took her to the side and did a "practice" with her. Yes, she is cute....I love her....but man, can she be high maintenance.

And then there is me--Mrs. Sunshine. I spray painted a table today. My fingers hurt. Is there anything else I can possibly complain about? Oh I know....my shower is broken. Water is spraying all over the walls when you turn it on. And I don't know what I will make for dinner cause even though I plan two weeks in advance, I fail in the ability to actually buy everything I need for cooking. I bet your eyes are now bleeding from this depressing, dull post. humph